Once upon a time, on a chilly winter’s day in July, I gave birth. And I became a mother.

Raindrops formed delicate grey dashes on the high glass window of my hospital room. I stared at an obscure Monet print and screamed.  The goldfish I’d bizarrely brought into the delivery suite to ‘focus on’, swam in circles, forgotten.

This little boy that I brought into the world was like no child I had ever imagined,  but from that very first moment, indeed  even before that first moment, I loved him with a purity of heart that promised to keep me on the better side of humane for the rest of my days.

That moment when eternity smiles at you and your heart cracks wide open.

And the little boy grew, as little boys do.

Fifteen years past.

On his birthday I woke him up in his den still of boyness. He had cake and presents and wore the gold paper crown I placed on his head. When he went over to his dad’s house in the afternoon, I drove him. It was his birthday. It was our birth day.

I drove into the driveway, the same driveway, the same house I had brought him home to  all those years ago. But this time I would drive away and he wouldn’t follow until he was ready.

When I turned to hug him goodbye he squeezed me tight in a way he never, ever does and picked me up. He picked me up! Off the ground. And I wanted to cry. Because how did he get so big? And how did this all come to pass? These fifteen years, gone like that, this man child — my son?

All grown.

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8 Responses to mother of a man child

  1. Emma says:

    I sit here reading this, with my 11 week old baby boy in his bed beside me, and tears running down my face. I can feel the love and the pride and the joy and the sorrow, all tangled together at once. They have amazed me, these 11 weeks. The fact that I can love him even more with each day that passes, as I know him better. I can only imagine how I will feel as he grows and asserts his independence – the mixture of pride and heartbrokeness that that will be.

  2. Tahnee says:

    oh my goodness bron, my heart ached reading this. in the beginning for your words, your beautiful gift of words, to paint the most beautiful and *real* picture, for your choice in ‘it was our birth day’. and then for my boys. to think of them as grown as your boy has, to be so big they could pick me up. and it chokes me up to think they won’t need me so much one day. a long way from now, but when we arrive there, it won’t have felt long at all x

  3. Lara says:

    Brilliance!
    The beautiful ladies before me said it all how this made me feel – tears, love, silence, beauty, bittersweet, heart ache… especially me being a child of divorce, there was that undertone for me as well.

    there is so much to this little story Bron, what was, what is, who you were, who you are now, how life changes so greatly in 15 years, marriage, divorce, birth…
    wonder what it’s like for the man-child… i feel him with beauty and compassion.

    you rock Bron – you are lovely mamma – thank you as always for sharing such a moment, you created stillness with this piece and moved us all. With much xox

  4. this post made me cry. absolutely yes indeed. i have a 17 month old son and just thinking of how fast time shall go by. i now wonder what will he be like? who will he become? i hope that he becomes someone who is happy. congratulations for your love with your son, it is something so important in this world.

  5. Bec says:

    This is so beautiful Bron, a vignette of moments and so heartbreakingly true. I got goosebumps reading it and am looking over at my little lady and trying to imagine her as a teen and what that hug – such a rare treat – must have felt like for you.
    Thank you for sharing your lovely words and your precious moments.

  6. shauna says:

    loved reading this :) i remembering driving him up that driveway when he was 2 years old myself. gosh. there aren’t really words.

  7. Jaclyn says:

    Oh this, this is too much.

    Beautiful Bron.

  8. dear olive says:

    Oh Bron. Tears. Real tears, and lots of them. Kellie xx

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