This morning I was feeling that ordinary kind of malaise that comes when the winter days are short and the rain has poured down more hours than not.

When I finally left the house with my unwashed hair and cheap ugg boots, Adrian at the coffee place asked, “Nothing’s changed?” and I had to convince myself that he only meant my order. I wondered if I should go back to Uni early. I wondered if I should get another job.

I fed the baby her lunch – a new development. She rolled the mashed avocado and banana around in her mouth in a decidedly bovine manner and stared at me.

In every corner of the house messes lay in wait; Max’s never-ending drawings, my old maternity clothes (eBay? Vinnies?), dust, piles of shoes, wet washing that hung limp on the drying rack.

I laid my phone on the table, bundled the baby into her carrier and got my keys.

Above the street a faraway sun glimmered through spindly black branches. I stopped to admire a flower sprouting over a backyard lattice, it’s papery orange petals craning towards the glow.

Someone called my name, I turned and said hello.

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9 Responses to controlled crying

  1. Lara says:

    Lady you are talented!!!
    I actually feel quite moved by that simplicity.
    You had me there in your terrace – it sounded quiet – I was seeing Max as a painter when he’s older – wishing you could give me your maternity clothes – and wanting to join you for a cuppa and a chat…
    Instead I’ll settle for saddling up the pooch and going for a walk dreaming about the little baby I saw in my dream last night awaiting to be conceived (soon)!
    Keep em coming!
    ps…don’t get a job!!!!

  2. Mariella says:

    Bron, how I understand that kind of malaise…thank god here is summer, after a pretty horrible winter, I finally feel better. It will come and it will go, the most important thing is to keep your core strong.Hugs

  3. mary says:

    oh my i’m definitely tearing up. i have two sons, and i just can’t imagine either of them growing up, and at the same time, want so badly to see them grow into the men they’re supposed to be. all i know is that i wonder how moms ever stay composed when their kids do grow up. what a sweet sweet moment you’ve captured in words.

  4. Imogen Eve says:

    I’ve just discovered your blog (via ché and fidel). These are the most beautifully written blog posts I have ever read. Instant heartwarming vignettes of truth.

  5. Bec says:

    Oh I feel you.
    The other day, when the cleaning and cooking and tidying and chores seemed endless and the day was so overcast (where had spring gone? it teased us for a few days) i packed myself and my girl in the car and went for a drive along the waterfront. She slept and I sang along to the radio and ate a packet of chips leaving crumbs everywhere.
    It was great.

  6. Kayley says:

    These days are all too familiar But it is a blog like this that become my breath of fresh air. Thank you for being such an inspiration :)

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